| Valentine's fall. |
[16 Feb 2009|01:33am] |
My Valentine's Day/ weekend was spent on the ski slopes at Blue Mountain with some friends...lots of fun but nothing romantic. And now I've plenty of blue-blacks, bruises, a couple of cuts and a grazed lower back from falling so much haha. But it was good. Just that these battle scars do not look aesthetic at all, boohoohoo :-( I just checked. I believe my nose's crooked from the impact! It hurts, it swells, I hope it's not broken!
I have opportunities that I know will not turn out into anything. Is it still self-deception if I keep hoping? Or be happy just because there are doors that will lead to nowhere? I'm trying to ignore the fact that they will lead to nowhere. I'm trying to make myself not feel the need for doors to lead to anywhere at all, anymore. I'm trying to make myself not hope too much, anymore. And just be happy for whatever I have. Though that's so hard to do.
If I cannot love someone, I will love everyone.
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[30 Jan 2009|02:01am] |
I just read my classmate's post on my writing seminar's class blog.. I think I can understand what he feels, because someone I really loved passed away several years back, and I went through a similar phase as what he's going through now. She was my favorite aunt, my godmother. She never married, so she treated me like her own daughter. I was 14 when she passed away from lung cancer (she was only 40, and she wasn't even a smoker!) I didn't visit her for the 3 weeks that she started treatment at the hospital, because I had really major examinations during that time, and I always (foolishly and naively) thought that she couldn't die, she'll definitely recover, that it wasn't all that serious; no one in the family told me how serious the "illness" that she got was. And on the day my exams ended and I was taking a breather hanging out at my friend's house, I received a call that she had passed away. The immense guilt I felt. Everything was so sudden. I don't know, I was numb then. I didn't even cry at the funeral. Everything just felt so surreal. I guess I was still in the state of denial. But when the coffin went up in flames (it's the norm for people to be cremated in Singapore, due to shortage of land), everything seemed so concrete. And I felt the gap, that tangible emptiness, so acutely. That was when I cried and cried, and everything came crashing down, and I went into depression for awhile. But you know, after awhile, you realize life goes on, and you gradually slip back into the motion of life again. I guess what I learnt, was the importance of just treasuring every moment you have, every person you love, and just to be thankful for life and for the fact that we're alive and able to do what we can do.
Happiness spreads. Spending the one-half hours with a very happy Tyler, as well as nice people like Aaron and Jen, in my group also made me much cheerier. And when I was walking back to Gregory from Hill, I was happy, and I just couldn't stop smiling. A couple of people walking past returned my smile, and that made me even happier. Happiness amplifies when it's spread.
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| family |
[28 Jan 2009|02:13am] |
Haha I've not slept earlier than 2AM for the past week.. But I blame it on my procrastination and tendency to amuse myself with Facebook rather than be productively occupied with work. But..my sister has Facebook! I'd rather she not know what I do here.. Yet at the same time, I felt a tinge of warmth that I've not had for quite some time, that made a smile creep onto my face. The joys of family. It's funny but true how, when we're with our parents and siblings, we sometimes resent their overbearing authoritativeness (for the case of parents) or noseyness (siblings). It's only when we're so far away from them, from home, that we suddenly find an emptiness inside our chest, and wish for the all-embracing familial love. Just like how I've never appreciated the warmth and brightness of that little country that is Singapore, until I came here, until I've been in the dead of winter here.
My sister just reminded me that I'm going to spend my birthday (though that's still over a month away) here. In the past my family has always celebrated my birthday, however simple the celebrations may be. I wonder how it's going to be like, this year. Most likely just another uneventful sleepy Sunday. True, a birthday is just another arbitrary date on the calendar, but it is its significance - being remembered by people who matter to you, that matters. I doubt I matter to anyone here.
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| Missing Chinese New Year |
[26 Jan 2009|08:55pm] |
Cultural relativity. That's the word of the day. As we all know (oh really), today's the First day of the Chinese New Year. But life goes on just like any other monday-morning-blue schoolday here. As I was walking along the hallway at DRL lab trying to find my math classroom, a professor stopped me.
He: "Are you Chinese?"
"Yes" (I obviously am)
He: "Is there some big Chinese festival today?"
"Yes, it's the first day of the Chinese New Year"
He: "Do you have holidays for Chinese new Year? For how long?"
"Yes we do; it depends. In Singapore we only have 2 days of public holidays because we have to work (rather, the govt wants people to work). But in China, they've week-long public holidays."
He: (musing to himself) "So the people in China don't need to work eh?"
"......haha."
He: (continuing..) "Phew! You just made my day! Today I went to the Asian bank but it was closed! On a Monday morning! I thought the bank collapsed and was worried about my money, but turns out that they're just having a holiday! Thanks!"
Me: (laughs to myself) "you're welcome!"
He: "Happy Chinese New Year!"
I've always taken Chinese New Year for granted; it's that time of the year when everyone dresses up in (gaudy or not so gaudy) red, when (for most parts silly and jarring) celebratory loud music is blasted everywhere, when children are happy because they get red packets (of money) from adults, when everyone is happy because of pastries and good food galore, and because we don't have to go to work / school.
It's only now, here in America, when most people don't even know it's the Chinese New Year, when the only pineapple tarts I get are their tantalizing pixelated images on my computer screen as my sister waves a whole box of these tarts at me over Skype, when math professors are worried that the bank has collapsed and their money gone because they weren't aware it's a big Chinese holiday, when the only traces of family and warm familiar closeness are the still silent photos sitting on my shelf..it's times like these when I realize what I miss, when I sense the gap inside.
But it's alright. Life goes on, without the cookies, the loud music, the festivities. and the people.. (maybe not).
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| Life and drinking |
[25 Jan 2009|06:50pm] |
Maybe I should take life as what it is and not think too much or expect too much of it. I used to be really idealistic, especially in terms of relationships-wise. But I've grown to accept that it's really quite difficult to find things as you expect them to be, or to have much permanence. In the end everything is just a matter of how hard you try, or sometimes just the result of random factors and unforeseen circumstances that you can't control.
[In response to Skyler's post: Qintan, I wonder that too. I think a desire for some carefree time, some ill-mannered frivolity, is a huge part of the motivation. But I think on a deeper level it has a lot to do with, as I believe, the "fact" that most, if not all, people desire sometimes to be someone else, anyone else. Whether that's motivated by self-loathing or just pure boredom or _____ I don't pretend to know. I certainly understand the feeling that sometimes being the person you are is too much or too painful. I don't know if other people feel that way but I suspect that at least some people do.]
Perhaps drinking is just a way to lose yourself, a result of wanting to be someone else - the someone we wish to be, but know we cannot be. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't like who I am, most of the time I guess it's just because I'm not contented with my life, because I wish for something more in my life. When I drink I guess I'm just throwing myself into the unknown, allowing myself to be lost in Life's randomness, to see what Fate brings. It's too tiring to try to decide what's the best course of action all the time.
My two friends from Princeton visited Penn this weekend to celebrate Chinese New Year, and stayed with me. I got sexiled (think: "exiled") from my own room! And everywhere there're couples. Why aren't there any Singles night? This is totally random I know.
Damn I miss dancing.
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| Drinking |
[24 Jan 2009|11:52pm] |
Yesterday I sent my friend to the hospital; he had to be treated for alcohol poisoning.
These incidents seem to be so common amongst college kids. Why? I've no moral authority to argue about this really, but still, sometimes I wonder why we drink so much. Social pressures? A desire to escape from unhappiness and problems? A wish to forget about conventions, others' opinions, and limits? A wish to lose ourselves?
But that happiness or carefreeness is often only fleeting. In the end we're just left with confused collages of blurry images, and that bittersweet aftertaste.
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| Grading system; dance. |
[23 Jan 2009|12:45am] |
The grading system here at Penn (in particular, at Wharton. Though i'm just a happy College kid, not one of them Whartonites) simply does not make sense. In fact it goes against the principles of excellence. In the sense that excellence should be individual – it should be a measure of the individual’s ability, not a comparison of one’s relative standing against others’.
Bell-curved exams defeat the fundamental purpose of testing. Particularly for exams, they should measure how thoroughly you have understood the course, or how much knowledge you have absorbed; how does this have anything to do with others? How does correctly answering a few more questions than someone else mean a higher level of knowledge (e.g. A as opposed to B)? An A is an A; so what if there are many A’s? Does it diminish the value of ‘A’s? Does it mean that the examinations are not hard enough? Or does it merely mean that most of the students in the class have thoroughly grasped the taught concepts (be it due to the professor teaching well or the students putting in effort to learn)?
Tonight I danced. I’ve always loved dancing. But my operation destroyed my hopes of being a dancer (contemporary dance). But there’s still hip hop dance, R&B, and normal club dance. Sometimes there’s nothing as liberating and joyful as blasting R&B or dance songs (think “Pump It” by Blacked-Eyed Peas), and dancing without reserve to it. In my room of course. I’ve always wished to be part of a dance group (e.g. Strictly Funk or some other hip hop dance group), but I never auditioned. I never thought I’d be good enough.
Darn, why am I such a night owl.
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| Sometimes |
[21 Jan 2009|10:13pm] |
Broken promises and empty promises; what's the difference? They're both the same. They lead you up, higher and higher, towards the clouds. And just when you reach the top, you realize you're stepping on nothing solid, and you fall, fall, and fall. Out of the heights of illusion and into the depths of..reality. Welcome back to Earth.
It's that time of the year - the heart of winter, when all you wish for is just that...little bit more of warmth. It's that time of the year when you watch the people coming back, the people leaving, and you wonder who's to go and who's to stay, and realize that life is really just a stroll; people walk in and out of your life all the time.
Sometimes you can't help but wish for something more. Sometimes you don't even have anything to begin with; just a couple of missed connections. Sometimes you want to open your arms, but you're just too scared of being stabbed, yet again.Sometimes you just can't help but wish for something you know is impossible. And sometimes you find comfort in the most unexpected places.
But sometimes you just wish to sleep, and forget about everything. To live in the land of dreams.
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| Downwards social comparison |
[21 Jan 2009|02:14am] |
Post on January 21 2009 (permalink) -edithistorydelete
Created on Wednesday, 01/21/2009 2:06 AM by Qintan Lin
Dear Shameen,
(I know this's supposed to be a blog not a letter, but still I can't refrain) I respect you for overcoming (or at the very least trying very hard to overcome) Life's setbacks (and a very great one that is). I can't, and won't pretend that I know how it feels to be in your situation, because I don't. But I do share similar experiences, though much less agonizing than yours. When I was 12 (so that was 7 years back), I was diagnosed with severe scoliosis and had to undergo a major surgery where they inserted 2 long metal rods along the entire length of my spine. For a year after, I was constantly in pain and couldn't do any sports at all. Then, I was devastated; my dream of being a gymnast or a dancer was crushed as I couldn't ever bend my back again. But I discovered another side of me, and found new gifts within me - inclinations for art and poetry. So I guess, like I told my friend before, life is as good as we want it to be, and Fate is as kind as we allow her to be. Now I play nearly all kinds of sports - sailing, tennis, ice-skating - you name it, I'll try it; I run half-marathons, I rock-climb and trek, and people don't think there's anything wrong with me physiologically. Perhaps there isn't; I like to think of myself as privileged to have a titanium-reinforced spine.
At the end of it all, I think I'm fortunate and blessed. Sometimes I feel lonely, sad, like I'm drifting around missing something - an anchor? warmth? a reassuring shoulder? a strong embrace? (I guess we all do feel like that from time to time, Jen, so you're not alone on loneliness, forgive the pun). But then I look around me (as I do now, reading Shameen's story), and I realize how trivial all that I complain about are, when compared to others' suffering. Downwards social comparison - that's what psychologists call it. Regardless, because of that I feel a trifle ashamed of being morose over issues that are faced not just by me, but by many others. And then I feel thankful for what I have - a loving family, good friends, nice roommates, good health, and many more unopened doors of opportunity before me.
So yeah, if any of you feel depressed or downright unhappy, do take some time to think of your strengths, your blessings, and whatever good has happened to you. I hope it helps. :-) I feel happy just writing this. (Perhaps the wonderful midnight Insomnia-Cookies-supper with my roomies helped too.)
(P.S. Sometimes, it really doesn't hurt to indulge in good food.. Life is too short to worry about a few more calories.. :D )
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IN RESPONSE TO SHAMEEN'S POST:
Post on January 20 2009 (permalink) -edithistorydelete
Created on Tuesday, 01/20/2009 11:52 PM by Shameem Balakrishnan
I feel guilty.
So I had clinical rotations from 7 am to 1 pm last semester, and it was total misery because I had to be at the hospital at 6 30 am, which basically translates to: I got no sleep last semester. Anyway, I scheduled for 8-2p rotations this semester. Just one extra hour of sleep that early in the morning makes a world of difference. Except I don't yet know that joy, because we had to meet at 7 am last Thursday and again this morning due to various training and debriefing type fluff that needed to be done. Then I found out my clinical group needs to meet at 7 am this Thursday, as well, and I was just exasperated. Seriously, I just want to be able to sleep in the morning. Somehow that's too much to ask. Anyway, the reason we have to meet early is because my clinical instructor was gone today. So after our 4 hours of training, my group got to leave instead of having to go to the hospital for 2 hours of clinical like all the other groups. I was so thrilled. After having to get up early, I actually had time to come home and eat, watch the inauguration, and take a nap before coming to our writing seminar. But then I found out WHY my clinical instructor was gone. It was because her 8 year old daughter was really sick.
I feel really bad for being so happy about not having clinical. A little girl is sick. Maybe I was overreacting, but I felt like an awful person. Whatever, I don't mind having two hours of class if it means a little girl stays healthy. I got to eat my lunch today and take a nap thanks to her being ill. It made me realize that that's probably how it is for so many things: our good fortune means someone else's misfortune. And that made me sad.
Sigh.
Jennifer, I think we just think all the same things. When I read your posts, it feels a lot like ... me talking.
I'm kind of all over the place saying whatever, so if this is the most disconnected thing you've ever read with no cohesion whatsoever, my apologies.
Today I went to the gym and worked out for the first time in my life. I'm really serious. I've never done that before. Ever. It took all kinds of will power to get myself off the couch and to get myself to stop eating and go work out. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just get it together. The last time I did any kind of activity like this was when I was in physical therapy. It's just such a negative cycle. I start physical therapy, I stay in it for a while, I don't improve, my therapist discharges me, I lose all motivation to try to regain all the lost muscle, and I just become a vegetable. And I don't even know how to keep going. I told myself I'd start going to the gym everyday starting today. I went today, but I don't trust myself to continue, because it hurts so badly. I don't know how I feel about controlling my medical condition without guidance from a doctor. (I have a chronic pain condition; I've had it for nearly 2 1/2 years now. For those of you who need a run down on what chronic pain is, I'll make it really simple: I am in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. No breaks. No respite. Pain and life have become synonymous).
Most people can't even tell there's anything wrong with me. I guess I've done a good job learning to look unaffected. But I'm still deciding whether this is a blessing or a curse. When I was in a wheelchair, and later when I was walking with a cane, I just felt so weird. People looked at me differently, my friends didn't know how to treat me, and I felt so... I don't even know how to describe it. And then when I improved enough to walk unassisted, and to learn how to not contort my face in pain or cry in front of people constantly, I looked normal to everyone. So they thought I was all better. They didn't believe, couldn't believe, that there could possibly be anything wrong with someone who looked and acted so normal. They had no idea how much pain there actually still was (still is). So is it actually any better that I look normal? Now no one can even tell anything is wrong, and half the time people don't even believe I suffer as much as I do.
Who knows.
I'll stop being depressing now. This has gotten really long. I'm going to go eat some ice cream and then go to bed. Nothing makes me feel as happy as snuggling under my blankets and hugging Sylvester :)
Cristina - I hope you had fun at your date party!
Tyler - Um, after seeing that picture, I am also really afraid of Yelena Jankovich.
Goodnight everyone; sleep tight! :)
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| Snow |
[21 Jan 2009|02:10am] |
Created on Tuesday, 01/20/2009 1:52 AM by Qintan Lin
[Created on Tuesday, 01/20/2009 1:52 AM by Qintan Lin ]
Snow. It was snowing heavily today, and I decided to go running in the snow. Surprisingly it wasn't as cold as I had expected, though it certainly did look freezing - all around me were barren trees draped in snow, expanses of white; even the Schuykill River had frozen over and now collected heaps of snow on its solid surface. Once, twice, a few times, solitary figures like myself passed me by; we exchanged little smiles that perhaps belied the thought, "another crazy person like me out running in the snow". An hour passed, another half-hour; it was such a joy running in the snow.
I love the snow. Where I come from, there is no snow, ever. My first winter - just one of the many firsts I've experienced here at Penn: my first time in the States, my first time living on my own, away from my family (I certainly appreciate the newfound freedom and autonomy greatly, though I do miss them). My first fairytale romance (though not my first love; yet unlike fairytales it did not end with "happily ever after"). My first half-marathon and 10k race. My first running award. My first time waltzing, and running, in the snow.Three-half more years, and many more firsts to come.
For all that I should be happy. And I am happy.
(P.S. Yes Lilun, "Closer" is not your stereotypical Hollywood romance film, which's why I like it a lot. :-) )
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| Happiness? |
[19 Jan 2009|12:06am] |
"You used to be this really cheerful girl, happy all the time, excited and fascinated by all the little things that you see, that come into life. And now you're so sad sometimes. Why?"
This was what my good friend from back in high school in Singapore told me when I visited her in Princeton (I just came back to Penn). Why was I sad nowadays? What made me happy then, and what has changed?
I don't know, honestly. Disappointment? The emptiness and ache somewhere in the chest from having a warm feeling slip away, yet again? An idealist and a dreamer, not to mention die-hard romantic, I'd always thought happiness consisted of sharing the beauty of the world, the joys of life, with loved ones - family, close friends, and of course, that special someone. Again and again I'd prayed to find contentment and love. Again and again, I'd found it - only to lose it again.
What is happiness but a fleeting fullness of the heart and a momentary brightness of the mind? Just like how hope is a double-edged sword; it drives us forward with eager steps, and slices us with the blade of disappointment at the same time.
Or is happiness something more? I don't know. I'm still searching, as always.
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| thoughts running through my mind. |
[04 May 2008|02:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
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"last updated, 27 weeks ago."
27 weeks later, and so much has come to pass.
nepal trip
cruise
enlisting
tango - and a wholly memorable 9 weeks that has found me new friends - both platoonmates and instructors, and made me stronger physically and mentally.
and the big change in my life - growing up
rediscovering myself and a best friend
sierra - clm. where i first felt so acutely the sense of belonging, of being part of a warm family, of being accepted and valued. all in the span of 2 weeks.
and now, MIDS wing. a place that i can really say i'm glad to be.
where i can say i belong.
supper parties, late-night basketball,
the hokkien that i don't understand, the jokes,
the meals together, the lessons spent trying to keep each other awake,
the studying together late into the night,
the laughter, the music.
yet.
wish i could, and didn't have to care
about so many things.
the unbearable weight of lightness, of flitting about
wandering and wondering
what i'm doing at times.
running on and on
burying the baggages of the past
apprehensive of slowing down, of making wrong turns
and losing what i already have.
the pursuit of perfection
blinds and disappoints;
a double-edged sword.
why, why cant i..
questions i cant answer.
wish i were perfect.
wish i didnt wish i were perfect.
wish i were better.
wish i could just be happy with myself.
the bliss and ignorance of youth
i wish i have
and i run on and on
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| yet another morning walk + poem + songs |
[27 Oct 2007|10:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
Went for another cathartic long morning walk this morning, and was inspired to write a poem. then listened to Melodies of Life - both the vocal and piano version. Haiz this song's really beautiful, my favourite song -- never fails to move me every time i listen to it. Nobuo Uematsu's a really brilliant composer. I've posted the piano soundtrack on my Facebook profile, so you can listen to it there. Some songs are really great; I've posted their lyrics below my poem.
--
The Walker
The first dew of the morning
falls as I brush past leaves,
seeping into my skin --
moist and cool;
wet and cold.
Songs in my head
fills my heart,
echoing little voices:
the shadow of the forest,
the colour of night,
the last eagle flying behind
the last standing mountain,
and the bugle in the distance.
Walking into the dusky greyness,
I pass closed windows
behind which people hide
in the comfort of Neverland,
or lie awake trying to grasp at
the remnants of their waking dreams.
And reflected in that black still glass:
a solitary figure in an empty park -
hair flying back, arms wide open,
head tilted back,
embracing the wind and rain -
a person none shall see.
The flowing air is strangely calm
mirroring the surreal peace within.
As thunder sounds in the distance,
and rain trickles down skin,
and as people stir from their sleep,
the walker vanishes
behind a misty veil,
yet again.
written at 7.40 am
-----------------------
The Last Unicorn by Loreena Mckinnett
When the last eagle flies
Over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars
At the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest
Though she may be old and worn
They will stare unbelieving
At the Last Unicorn
When the first breath of winter
Through the flowers is icing
And you look to the north
And a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying
And would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear the laughter
Of the Last Unicorn
I'm alive... I'm alive
When the last moon is cast
Over the last star of morning
And the future is past
Without even a last desperate warning
Then look into the sky where through
The clouds a path is formed
Look and see her how she sparkles
It's the Last Unicorn
I'm alive... I'm alive
[lyrics are not that great, some phrases are nice though. But it's much nicer when you listen to the song, or watch the movie. I haven't watched it, though I should like to.]
---
Melodies of Life by Emiko Shiratori
Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name
* A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond
So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
* Repeat
If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember
[argh omg damn beautiful song!]
There're other nice songs but these are the two songs that I can't get out of my head.
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| Why I Wish to Enlist in the Army |
[17 Oct 2007|08:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
Many will probably look at me with disbelief when I say that I want to enlist in the army. After all, most male counterparts will rather not go for National Service, had it not been compulsory for them, so they cannot comprehend why a girl like me will voluntarily enlist. As for other girls, they will not be able to understand why I choose to tough it out in the hot sun and jungle when I can spend my time shopping and watching movies in airconditioned comfort. As it is, I was already mildly interested in a military career, fascinated as I was with military history after reading books on them. But I had never seriously considered a military career. The recent talk on the SAF Merit Scholarship (Women), specifically the presentations by past scholars (now officers in the Navy, Air Force and Army), changed that.
I am drawn to the scholars, and feel that I have much in common with them. Like me, they seek to break out of stereotypes of women – what women can do and cannot do, and strive to be on par with men. Like me, they love adventure, the outdoors, and challenges – both mental and physical; they possess the belief that they can achieve anything they set out to do. And like me, they wanted to take a path less traveled.
Above all, I am drawn to the inner strength that radiates out from them. They are ladies with great mental and physical strength, and I aspire to be like them. As women who went through the same grueling ten-week-long Basic Military Training as men, and later the Officer Cadet School as well, they are women of courage and resolve – qualities that I admire and value greatly. These qualities are what I wish to possess, and believe I can develop, through the rigorous military training.
Listening to the scholars reminisce fondly of their days in military training and the camaraderie they enjoyed, I realize that I want very much to experience and share this camaraderie – so much a part of the masculine culture in the army. I believe that the lasting
bonds formed with like-minded females in the army will greatly outweigh the physical and mental strain experienced in training. I also believe that bonds formed with people in the
workplace make a career enjoyable, and prioritize the social environment nearly as much as the job itself. As such, the close-knit and familial nature of the Navy holds much allure to me.
I seek a fulfilling and exciting career. Unlike most other jobs, a military career is not
deskbound; a routine, conventional desk-job will be almost torturous to me. I strive to be
either a pilot in the Air Force or a naval officer onboard a missile corvette or warship. Not
only will these jobs allow me to pursue my passion, be it sailing or flying, they promise to be physically challenging and mentally stimulating too. I believe that such a career will certainly add much color and dimension to my life.
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| talent |
[13 Oct 2007|02:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
Went for a nice long morning walk while listening to music again, as usual. While walking, the inspiration for a Chinese poem suddenly came to me. So it's now written, and posted at the end of this entry.
I wish I were more talented / gifted. It would be nice to know that you're truly gifted (even if it's in one area), and that you can do something that others can't but would like to do, instead of just being a jack-of-all-trades, but master-of-none. I suppose it makes you feel that you have a place in the world, that you're not just another face-in-the-crowd. At the end of the day, we all strive to be recognised, to be acknowledged. Don't we?
I don't seem to have any great talent in any area - I'm just quite good in many areas. I can only say that I've a fair bit of talent in drawing. And that I'm more effectively bilingual than many other people -- even that I'm not so sure of anymore; my Chinese is getting rusty from lack of use.
But I guess, like Blym says, what does it matter if you're not uber pro in something? I suppose there's only a problem with the ego. But other than that, if I enjoy what I'm doing, if I'm doing what I'm passionate in, it doesn't really matter if I'm not uber-talented, though a fair amount of competency (I mean not just basic competency, but above average skills) is required. Every time I listen to Blym play piano, I feel a longing deep inside to be absorbed by the arts -- to spend my time drawing, painting, dancing, singing, or playing some musical instrument - any form of artistic creation. And so long as I can draw / paint pretty well (so that I get a sense of fulfilment after I finish drawing /painting), I will already enjoy the process of artistic creation itself. That should be enough. Ah, but music! Music is to night as art is to day. I should like to learn a musical instrument (on top of liu qin and harmonica, both of which I play noobly) and aim to be quite good in it, though that's gonna be really hard. I'd like to learn the flute :) but well if not I'll just try to improve on harmonica / singing.
On another note, I think - in our society at least, analytical skills are overrated; we often equate intelligence with aptitude in Mathematics / Science. I'm not saying that 'analytical intelligence' is not worthy of respect - on the contrary, I respect people with great achievements / skills in Math / Science. It's just that I find that people in general seem not to think as highly of achievement in the arts - for example, writing (i don't mean technical writing, but writing as a form of creative expression), drawing & painting, or playing musical instruments eg piano really well). They'll go, "ooh, nice drawing / nice (e.g. piano-)playing" but I d Why does it matter? At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't really matter - it all boils down to personal opinions. (oh my, that sounds so relativistic).
anyway here's the poem:
这一条路
岁月的流沙
一滴一滴滑落，
流失。
两年已快告一段落；
青春的步途尽是酸甜苦辣：
淘气、执著、挣扎，
奔放、爽朗的笑声，
柔情、暖意、成熟，
失望、心痛、辛酸。
点点滴滴
即瞬即逝。
留下的只是回忆，
心中的一阵暖意
和脸上的一丝笑容、
一滴泪水。
烟雾已逐渐消失，
该走的路已不那么朦胧。
嫣然回首
好想在灿烂的晨雾中
再舞、再玩一会儿。
远处鸣声响起；
停留不住了。
只得轻轻叹气
告别玩伴
走完眼前这条路。
林沁潭
2007年10月13日
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[22 Sep 2007|10:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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nostalgic |
] |
Fourteen months later
and eleven poems after,
the tale that we spun
now comes to a close,
as the ink slowly dries
and the writers put down their pens.
Our story started
from wind, waves, and sea;
but as we strayed further inland,
the sea beckoned less and less.
And in the nautilus shell I hear
the echoes of laughter
and worried shouting;
shared glory and pain
ebb away with
the tides of time.
The boat and sail
is carefully stowed
in a place close to my heart.
A duet, in tones high and low;
we started off in synchrony.
Perhaps the pace,
the pitch was too different,
but now the tenor and soprano
sing their last chords,
shake hands and retreat,
as the last notes of the piano
reverberate about the hall.
This is the path
where more light shone
and more tears fell.
Now the fire burns no more,
as a softly glowing warmth remains.
And up above
in the dark night sky,
the autumn gibbous moon
benignly smiles
upon this little tale
of human fates.
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| loss |
[05 Sep 2007|09:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
( cryptic musings )
Break, Break, Break
by Lord Alfred Tennyson
Break, break, break,
On thy cold gray stones, O Sea!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me.
O, well for the fisherman's boy,
That he shouts with his sister at play!
O, well for the sailor lad,
That he sings in his boat on the bay!
And the stately ships go on
To their haven under the hill;
But O for the touch of a vanished hand,
And the sound of a voice that is still!
Break, break, break,
At the foot of thy crags, O Sea!
But the tender grace of a day that is dead
Will never come back to me.
--------------
The beauty of this poem lies in how this sense of loss is so applicable to almost everything, how it can strike a chord in most people. Just take the last 2 lines: "But the tender grace of a day that is dead /Will never come back to me." It can stand for so many things. For one, it can be taken literally, to lament the loss of a really memorable time that can never be relived again. Or it can be taken to lament the loss of a loved one, like how Lord Tennyson wrote it to mean for him. Or it can mean the loss of friendship, etc.
We will surely have experienced some sort of loss at one stage in life or another. It's a common saying that "you never realise the value of something until you've lost it" -- a sad truth of life. Many things are so hard to gain, yet so easily lost: love, trust, hope, ideals, regard, respect, friendship, confidence, innocence. To name a few, or rather, the ones that matter more to me. Loss is inevitable; there's always a price to pay, to gain something. At the end of it I guess it just boils down to knowing what matters most to us.
Ah well. I feel like I've lost something as my schooldays here draw to a close. Just like how I felt a sense of loss when I left primary school.
And I can't help but smile, and sigh, as I look back over my shoulders.
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| Yesterday Once More |
[02 Sep 2007|06:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 wistful |
] |
When I was young
I'd listened to the radio
Waitin' for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along
It made me smile
Those were such happy times
And not so long ago
How I wondered where they'd gone
But they're back again
Just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well
(*) Every Sha-la-la-la
Every Wo-wo-wo
Still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling
That they're starting to sing's
So fine
When they get to the part
Where he's breakin' her heart
It can really make me cry
Just like before
It's yesterday once more
Lookin' back on how it was
In years gone by
And the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad
So much has changed
It was songs of love that
I would sing to then
And I'd memorize each word
Those old melodies
Still sound so good to me
As they melt the years away
Repeat (*)
All my best memories
Come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry
Just like before
It's yesterday once more
--------------------------------------------------------------
i feel old. wish life was just like before -- yesterday once more.
argh i hate how i get so sentimental so easily sometimes; how i cant control my feelings and get overwhelmed by them; how i'm so...weak? fragile? at times. wish i dint have to feel the need to be protected.
sigh.
part and parcel of being human. Back to being ole lqt again, after a night run and some nice tv (historical drama on Qing Dynasty! i like -- as long as it involves interesting plot, nice loves stories and beautiful women :) )
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| When a Soldier Makes it Home |
[01 Sep 2007|10:51pm] |
chanced upon the lyrics of this song...i think it's really good! Thought i'd share it with everyone. In memory of all those forgotten heroes, both fallen and standing ones. (havent heard the song though, my Limewire's screwed.)
btw does anyone know the title of the song that they played on Teacher's Day Celeb in the audi? The song that played during the photo-slideshow at the end of the Celeb? If you do pls tell me thnx :)
When a Soldier Makes it Home
words and music by Arlo Guthrie
Halfway around the world tonight
In a strange and foreign land
A soldier packs his memories
As he leaves Afghanistan
And back home they don't know too much
There's just no way to tell
I guess you had to be there
For to know that war was hell
Chorus:
And there won't be any victory parades
For those that's coming back
They'll fly them in at midnight
And unload the body sacks
And the living will be walking down
A long and lonely road
Because nobody seems to care these days
When a soldier makes it home
They'll say it wasn't easy
Just another job well done
As the government in Kabul falls
To the sounds of rebel guns
And the faces of the comrades
Being blown out of the sky
Leaves you bitter with the feeling
That they didn't have to die
Chorus
Halfway around the world tonight
In a strange and foreign land
A soldier unpacks memories
That he saved from Vietnam
Back home they didn't know too much
There was just no way to tell
I guess you had to be there
For to know that war was hell
And there wasn't any big parades
For those that made it back
They flew them in at midnight
And unloaded all the sacks
And the living were left walking down
A long and lonely road
Because nobody seemed to care back then
When a soldier made it home
The night is coming quickly
And the stars are on their way
As I stare into the evening
Looking for the words to say
That I saw the lonely soldier
Just a boy that's far from home
And I saw that I was just like him
While upon this earth I roam
And there may not be any big parades
If I ever make it back
As I come home under cover
Through a world that can't keep track
Of the heroes who have fallen
Let alone the ones who won't
Which is why nobody seems to care
When a soldier makes it home
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[01 Sep 2007|05:08pm] |
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mood |
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 full |
] |
aaah shit i've not done any mugging except for doing 20 Chem MCQ questions for yesterday and today!!!
haha, but yesterday was fun. :) watching tchr's day celeb, lunch with xinying, then watching kao, jez, kang and blym play LAN. i even had a try at dota for 10 min! But i figure i'm really horrible at playing this sort of computer games, i lag too much. Even playing Need For Speed, i would have thought i'm pretty good at car-racing, but got trashed! >.< But was still fun though. :)
Today i've been looking through my previous art pieces. I guess my strength lies in pencil drawings. Gah. If i want to submit an art portfolio I've really got to start working on more stuff!
Once again, I gave in -- to food! Gah. Ate 1 bowl of chocolate-cherry-ricotta-cheese, 1 bowl of cut-pears-in-milk, 2 mini mooncakes and half an eggtart! All very yummy but very sinful. Hehe. >.<
must START mugging!!! :(
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